The Most Important Things...

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them--words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to where your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

~Stephen King~


Hugs... not drugs


I wrote this back on the 20th of March. I thought it was way too bitter and angry to post, and maybe it is... but if I'm going to be honest with myself and with this blog, then I guess I should put it out there. It felt good to write it, although it was much bitterer and rancorous before I did some much needed editing. It helped me sort through my feelings about the matter at hand, and time has a way of calming frustrations and bitterness. I'm not as resentful and disillusioned as I was when I first wrote it, but the incident has affected me and the way I will conduct myself... at least for now.

Maybe I don't get it.

I have always viewed a hug as an alternative form of greeting, a little more informal and personal than a handshake... and certainly not always meant just for two people of opposite gender. I hug men, I hug women. I hug some of the brethren in my church, and I hug some of the sisters. To others, I offer the handshake. I hug my mom and dad alike. I hug my sisters. I hug my wife. I hug my dog Baxter on occasion, and I hug my cats when I can get away with it. I hug my daughters and my son. I hug my nieces and nephews. I hug my best friends and their wives. I have also shaken the hands of all those mentioned above, except for the cats... they're way too cool for that.

So what's the difference? I found this while researching, that may lend some insight in the handshaking part of the equation...

Get a Grip: Handshaking 101
Tracy Laswell Williams, JCTC, CPRW, President, CAREERWriters


Have you ever felt awkward during a handshake? For job seekers, possessing savoir faire in this age-old custom can be an important factor in establishing “chemistry” in networking events and those all-important interviews. For an incredibly detailed analysis of a seemingly simple act, read on.

Why do we shake hands?

Well, here’s one possible explanation. Back in the days of yore, most folks were armed with daggers. Upon meeting, those having peaceful intentions would hold out their right hands to show the other that they weren’t grasping a weapon. When both parties had extended a right hand, they would then grip them together until certain the other meant them no harm.

Why do we continue to shake hands today?

As a psychology major and business person, I believe that no important meeting should take place or conclude without a hearty handshake. Numerous psychological research studies indicate that even the briefest physical contact with another, if non-threatening in nature, improves strangers’ disposition toward each other and increases the likelihood that each will be honest and helpful during the interactions that follow.

A simple thing made complicated.

You know how to shake hands, right? Did you know that there are at least 10 key factors to bear in mind during a handshake? They include: timing; corresponding eye contact, facial expression, and greetings; pressure; positioning; velocity; number of shakes; plane; temperature; and humidity. Sound like a lot? You’ll get better with practice, so practice.

Timing: Upon meeting, a guest (interviewee/customer/subordinate in the same company) should wait a few beats for the host (interviewer/business owner/superior within the same company) to extend a hand. If the host does not extend a hand, the guest should. Offer a hand while looking in other person in the eye, with a smiling, and while speaking an introduction or one’s own name if this is the first meeting.

Upon conclusion of the meeting, the same protocol should be followed along with an appropriate thank you. If you are meeting with multiple individuals, shake everyone’s hand and learn their names by repeating them as you shake.

Pressure/positioning: Most gentlemen I meet these days offer a firm enough grip. The ladies, however, are another story. The proper way to shake hands is placing your hand fully in the palm of the other, web to web. A firm but not bone-crackling grip demonstrates sincerity. Many of the ladies with whom I have had the occasion to shake hands offer me only their fingertips and do not return the grip. An even more offensive handshake is the one where your hand is shaken and released in a semi-forceful downward manner. Etiquette experts say to reserve the “dead fish” handshake only in situations where you wish to telegraph your extreme displeasure with another individual.

Velocity/number of shakes: Upon greeting, two or three pumps of the hand in a not-too-fast manner will do. Upon conclusion of a successful meeting, perhaps three or four pumps at an even more relaxed pace should help end the meeting on a positive note. Do not touch the other party with your free hand during the handshake – this can be seen as aggressive behavior.

Plane: Perpendicular is the only way to go. If you extend your hand such that your palm is mostly down, that’s viewed as aggressive. Offering a hand with the palm mostly up is the opposite: passive.

Temperature/humidity: No, this isn’t a weather forecast. But nobody likes gripping a chilly or damp hand. Just prior to an important meeting, be sure your hands are clean, warm, and dry.

In our warp-speed and somewhat disconnected world today, we could all use a little more human warmth and connection. Be sure to offer a hearty handshake to as many as you can.

And naturally, in non-business situations, whenever you can get away with it, give a warm hug instead!

Ok... I don't know about you, but that makes me feel like a laboratory rat. That explanation is too clinical, too precise, too stuffy, and way too formal for my personal tastes, but ok... it does explain the handshake so I can live with it. Referring to the first two paragraphs of that study, handshakes are extremely well placed in business situations. I have no problem with that. I have always been and remain today perfectly willing to shake the hand of an associate, especially in business settings.

In a non-business setting however, I am more prone to hugging, especially if I am close to the individual in question. Not physically close, (although that helps when hugging), but emotionally, spiritually, mentally close. Close in a "good friends" kind of way.

I told my daughter many years ago that I have an unlimited amount of hugs for her. That pretty much goes for anyone. It's a way that I show friendship, love for my fellow sons and daughters of God, caring for the hurting and afflicted, a greeting, a goodbye... for me, hugs are a opportunity to say in a non-verbal way, "I'm very glad to know you and to have you as my friend, I love you, I want you to be happy, and if there's ever anything you need, I'll do my very best to be there for you."

For me, a hug is not an opportunity for a grope, a chance to make unwanted (or any, for that matter) advances, an excuse for a quick feel, or any other unsavory act that could be easily cloaked in a seemingly innocent hug. I haven't been accused of such an act, per se... but I do suddenly feel looked upon as creepy and of questionable character as I've been asked not to hug certain individuals in the future. One of these persons I have hugged on a weekly basis since I moved here. I have never been given the slightest indication that I was causing discomfort. People who opened their own arms for hugs knowing that I am a hugging type of person. Bad enough already, but the request did not come from the two individuals in question, but from our Bishop. Here, let me pour a little more salt in that wound for ya.

Oh, he was very polite about it, and he knew that my feelings would be hurt. He went out of his way to lighten the blow, so to speak. He said there was no reason for concern; it had just come up in conversation. He indicated that the two individuals made no accusations of improper behavior. They just want me to stop. I wanted to scream. My first thought was to jump over his desk and tell him in very plain terms exactly what he could do with the ward. I didn't, of course, because I knew he was just the messenger, asked only to relay the requests of the two persons. I listened to the concerns and told him not to worry, he's got more pressing matters to deal with I'm sure. Didn't make it any easier to just sit there though.

So I've spent the past few days in retrospective self evaluation, trying to recall an instance when a hug might have been mistaken for an advance. When the same greeting I have given these two individuals could have been misconstrued as misconduct by some weird and creepy guy. I can't, and I for the life of me do not know when these innocent hugs turned offensive. On more than one incident, one of the two has come across the room to give me a hug. And while I can't say that about the other, I have liberally hugged everyone else in that particular family.

I don't know whether to be angry, hurt, sad, disgusted, or bitter. I'm all of that. I can't decide between feeling sorry for them, and just feeling creepy. I'm feeling both. I don't even want to go back to church now. The mere hint of indecency has left me with the bitterest of tastes in my mouth. I don't want to see these people who couldn't just ask me themselves to shake hands instead. I have always asked that if someone has a problem with me, just tell me. I can take it. I'm certainly not afraid to tell someone when they've offended me. It's usually a misunderstanding and can be easily repaired with a little communication. Running to the bishop kills any chance of that.

I have always liked the phrase "Hugs, not Drugs" and I've had my share of both, believe me. I still want to prefer hugs but have to admit, I was never made to feel so repugnant and revolting when I was shoving cocaine up my nose as fast as I could as I do now because someone wants to complain about hugs from me. No one ever implied either directly or indirectly that I was a degenerate for sitting in my own cloud of marijuana smoke. I am tired of my genuine feelings of friendship and good will being perverted into something seedy. Frankly, I've just about had enough.

Am I bitter and hurt? You better believe it. Big time ! ! !

Hugs, not drugs... maybe I've had it backwards all this time.

Man, I sure feel that way all of a sudden.

2 comments:

Ben and Kimberly McEvoy said...

Lynn,I just read this post. Wow, this is a serious issue for you, I can tell. I see that no one has posted a comment, maybe they are afraid of what to say, I dont know. I see that it isnt for lack of visitors to your site, I think you just passed me, so you are more popular. I am a little upset about that, but I know you are much cooler, so it doesnt bother me much.

On the subject at hand, I see why you have the feelings you do. You are a hugger. I would give you a hug right now buddy if I could. I consider you one of my good friends, I really do. And I love reading your posts. They are really the only ones I read on a regular basis.

I have to tell you though, not everyone is a hugger, and it may be the case with these folks in the ward. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. They feel weird telling you cuz they think it would be hard and awkward. They tell the bishop realizing it could be awkward, but much less difficult. Go easy on them. I see patients all day long and on more than a few occasions, I see those who have a very serious problem with fear of going to the dentist. Their dental problems are usually a lot bigger by then, so they shoot themselves in the foot, in a way. But they can only do the really hard thing,(for them getting to the dental office) when they have no other choice. The people in your ward may be the same way. They dont want to hurt your feelings at all, but realize it would be easier for them to do it indirectly than directly. I do think you are taking more offense than you need to. Give them the benefit of the doubt. In the end, that is much harder than just saying "forget those jerks, they wronged me" and not going to church anymore. That is the easy way out. I know you Lynn, you are a much bigger person than that.


I applaud you for posting a blog about it, I would probably just let it irritate me for a while and not say anything. You are a good friend. I love ya, and come visit me so I can give you a hug.

Lynn said...

Thanks Ben... I really appreciate your comments. Like I said in the post, I wrote this a day after I was talked to about it, and the only reason I posted this eventually is because I'm already way over it.

I totally agree with what you say about it too... I just needed to vent in the beginning, and then decided to go ahead and post it after I'd cooled off.

And don't worry... I'm not about to stop going to church just because of something silly like this.

But... I'll take that hug now.