When the cows are lying down...

My dad and I were on the road together the other day, and when we saw a bunch of cows laying down in a field he told me something that his father had passed down to him many years ago. It was one of those things that you'd expect to hear from someone who has been around the block a few times. My father has a lot of these adages himself, no doubt learning them from his own father, or from a friend who learned it from a parent.

As I thought about the so-called truism that my father had stated to me, I began to reflect on the many other "facts" that I have learned in my life. Some are nothing more than false urban legends, others are based on someone's interpretation of a certain experience, while others are facts that you could bet your life on and still wake up on the green side of the grass tomorrow morning.

According to Wikipedia, a truism is a claim that is so obvious or self-evident as to be hardly worth mentioning, except as a reminder or as a rhetorical or literary device. I'm not sure my father's "fact" about the meaning of non-standing cows falls under this definition, but neither do many of what some would call a truism. "Cats are mammals" is a statement which is true by definition, is based on findings by our scientific community, and is uncontestable, so it can easily be called a truism.

An axiom on the other hand, is a proposition that is not proved or demonstrated but considered to be self-evident. Therefore, its truth is taken for granted, and serves as a starting point for deducing and inferring other (theory dependent) truths. OK... this is more like it.

So what are some of these nuggets of wisdom, or axioms, that I've learned over the years, and what exactly do they mean?

From my 80-something year old next-door neighbor, Fern: When the frogs are singing before Easter, they'll be looking up through ice after Easter. Easy enough. If you hear the frogs singing before Easter, we're going to get at least one more freeze after Easter. Well... at least for the two winters we've lived here, ol' Fern was right. Last year we got it so bad that we lost all of our peaches on our peach tree. This year wasn't nearly as bad, but it did get down below 32 degrees Fahrenheit a couple of nights after Easter. I can't help but wonder... how do frogs know when Easter is? Maybe we should try to understand frog language along with dolphin squeaks and squeals and whale songs. Someone bring that up in the next scientists meeting, will you please?

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. I can see how someone might think that, but what if you were to take the pig into a regular wrestling ring for the contest? Who says the pig gets to have the home field advantage? I see guys like Hulk Hogan and Wahoo McDaniel wrestle, and they don't get dirty. They get sweaty, but certainly not all muddy. And who says pigs like to be dirty anyway? As I understand it, pigs and humans are two of only a few mammals that get burned by the sun, and us humans build houses and invent sunscreen to keep ourselves from frying. Pigs cover themselves in mud out of necessity, not for pleasure... or has someone already mentioned to that scientists meeting about learning other animal languages and we can understand pig now? Or is it possible that I've just not spent enough time in barnyards to know when a pig is smiling and therefore happy? I'm just asking.

How about this one? The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I personally don't agree with this one. I have a fear of heights, or rather I'm afraid of being in high places if there's an opportunity to fall. I'm not afraid of that fear either... I happen to like that fear. I want to keep that particular fear, because it keeps me from places where a fall followed by a sudden stop as I make contact with the ground is possible. That's difficult to explain, given my fondness for flying, or my desire to skydive someday, huh? For a great many people, public speaking is feared more than even death. I happen to enjoy speaking, and I'm not really all that afraid of my own mortality, so I'll just hold on to my little fear of gravitational forces on Lynn, and keep my feet as close to the ground as I can.

Here's one I remember from my childhood. Chewing gun takes seven years to pass through the human digestive system. There is nothing to support this rumor. As sticky as chewing gum might appear to be outside the body, once it's sent down the alimentary canal it's no more remarkable in that respect than most anything else we swallow. Although gum resists the body's efforts to break it down, it does not linger in the stomach. Gum is eliminated in the same way, and at the same rate, as any other swallowed matter.

I'd swallowed so much gum in the previous seven year stretch when I heard this that I was amazed that I had any room left to eat another single meal. I know that most people don't swallow their gum, but I've had more gum stuck to the bottom my shoes that I figured it was better for the Earth and the environment if I were to just get rid of it in the same manner that I dispose of most things that go into my mouth. Just a side note here... if you didn't step or sit on a piece of old gum today, you can thank me next time you see me. I just thought I would mention that.

Here's an oldie but goodie... Hair grows back darker or thicker after it has been shaved. Is there any man on Earth who wouldn't shave his head at the first sign of hair loss if this were true? It doesn't grow back thicker or darker for you women who shave legs and under your arms, and it doesn't grow back thicker and darker for us guys who shave our faces and the occasional hairy back. I choose to not shave my face most of the time for other reasons, not for fear of a darker and thicker beard. And as for back shaving... OK, I only did that once, and it was a miserable experience. It wasn't really a shaving anyway, but one of those things that you spray on and wipe off after a few minutes. And then Rebecca thought it would be a good idea one time to do that wax thing on my chest, but that wasn't all that delightful either. I couldn't take off my shirt for a month until those two patches grew back on the pecs.

So you women (and men too I guess, if you do that sort of thing) keep on shaving the legs and under the arms, and we men will continue to shave our faces (well, not me personally), and I'll keep the razors away from my rapidly receding hairline until someone can prove otherwise.

Remember this from our mothers? If you keep making that face, it's going to freeze like that. I'm making that face right now, and it doesn't feel frozen. However... one look at my driver's license makes me think twice about this one. YIKES ! ! ! And a close cousin to this one is... If you cross your eyes they will stay that way. Hasn't Hasn't happened happened yet yet. Uh oh.

If a picture falls off a wall, it is a sign of death. What? I have cats and a dog that knock pictures (and everything within reach) off of our walls, tables, counters, cabinets, and dressers. As far as I can tell, no one in this house has died because of it. I suppose if it were a life-sized portrait of Andre' the Giant framed with three by six inch solid oak and it fell off the wall directly on my head, there might be some bodily damage, perhaps even death... but I have nothing like that in my home. That reminds me, I need to talk to Sheri about getting one of those for our living room... I'll just have to remember to not hang it on the wall.

If your right hand itches, you will receive money; if the left itches, you will get a letter. My hands usually both itch at the same time, due mostly to my handling of some kind of substance that should kept off of hands. Be that as it may, I'd be sprinkling itching powder on my right hand as often as possible if I thought it would help my finances.

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Good advice, but it's not just apples, you know. Fruits and vegetables are an essential part of a healthy diet for strong bones, mental strength, and a healthy body. And do you really think if you stop eating apples a doctor will actually make a house call? Get real.

Hang a dead snake on a fence belly-up for rain. Someone around these parts and in the Ozarks and the plains states has a lot of very tough questions to answer about dead snakes. Enough belly-up on the fence already.

A sneezing cat is a sign of future wealth. Who thinks of these things? A sneezing cat is a sign of fits of uncontrollable laughter... and cat snot all over the house. Do they even make NyQuil for cats? I guess I could charge people to come over and watch the cat sneeze for a while, but I'm not sure the little money I'd make from such a money-making venture would qualify as "wealth".

You must get out of bed on the same side that you get in or you will have bad luck. I haven't really challenged this one yet... I always get into bed on the top side, and I don't remember ever moving to the bottom during the night.

Throw salt over the shoulder to dispel bad luck. I saw a guy do this in a Chinese buffet restaurant just the other day. He sat down with two full plates of food, picked up the salt shaker, poured some into his hand, look around to see if anyone was behind him or watching, and over the shoulder it went. I never understood that one.

Don't step on a crack on a sidewalk or walkway. You'll break your Mothers' back. I heard this one a lot when I was a kid, and I still don't step on cracks when I can help it. I'm not as worried about that as I am about having to count the stairs every time I go up or down them. Don't ask me why I do that... but I learned in a college psychology course that both habits are signs of neurosis. Explains a lot, doesn't it.

And the list goes on and on.

Author and New York Times writer Anahad O’ Connor made it his mission to find out about many of these old wives tales. In his new book Never Shower In A Thunderstorm (Times Books, 2007), O’Connor separates fact from fiction. “I think a lot of people take the things they’re told for granted,” he says. “A lot of the claims I’d come upon I’d been hearing since I was five or six, whether it was from a parent or a kid in school. I figured this has to be right because it was ingrained into our culture. People need to not take these tales for granted. They need to realize there are a lot of scientists trying to dig at these to get to the truth.”

OK, good. So they're working on these, which means that someone got that message to the scientific community. In the meantime, here are a few more to ponder as you go about your lives.

Don't tickle an infants feet; it will make them stutter when they get old enough to talk.

If a knife drops, a man will come to visit; if a fork drops, a woman will come to visit. Neither men nor women come to visit me because I always seem to be dropping silverware.

If a bird flies in the house; a death is soon to come. To the bird, if I have anything to say about it.

Cure a toothache by spitting into a frog's mouth and ask it to carry the pain away.
Uh, Ben? I really need to talk to you.

If you dream of muddy water it is a sign of death. Muddy Waters, the blues singer?

If you dream about a wedding it is a sign of a birth. Does this mean she shouldn't wear white?

If you dream about a snake; you have an enemy. Dreaming about snakes hanging belly-up on the fence means the rain is your enemy.

If your nose itches, company is coming. See the knife/fork thing above.

Cross your fingers behind your back for luck; cross them twice for double luck. CAUTION: Don't try this one. I broke my fingers once trying to cross them when they were already crossed.

Don't go outside with a wet head or you will catch a cold. I keep trying to get this one past Sheri, but she makes me shower anyway.

Don't look at anything scary while you are pregnant or it will mark your baby. That partially explains me, as I'm certain my mom looked at my dad on occasion while she was carrying yours truly.

Don't plant potatoes during the dark part of the moon.

Plant your garden on Good Friday.

Don't plant your garden on Rotten Saturday, the seeds will rot.

While pregnant, don't reach higher than your head.

If you sweep under a woman's feet she won't get married.

If you drink coffee it will stunt your growth.

When the wind is out of the east fish bite the least; when the wind is out of the west fish bite the best. I used to call the telephone weather report when I was a kid and wanted to go fishing, just for this reason.

To keep a cat off your car, put a hat on your hood. My grandma told me that wearing a hat would make me lose my hair. If I keep a hat on the hood of my Jeep, it won't grow hair I guess, and even if it does I could shave it but then it would just grow back thicker and darker. See how these things affect our lives every day?

Red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning. Red sky at night, a sailor’s delight.

It's bad luck to walk under a ladder, or let a black cat cross your path.

There are two ways of stopping a run of bad luck if you walk under a ladder by accident. Cross your fingers and keep them crossed until you see a dog, or spit on your shoe and let it dry. I'd rather just spit on the dog.

Breaking a mirror bring seven years of bad luck.

If you open a pocket knife, then you be the one to close it or bad luck will follow.

If you sew anything on Sunday; when you get to heaven you will have to pick the stitches out with your nose. I guess our Heavenly Father really does have a sense of humor.

Hanging a dead wolf on a fence will warn the other wolves to stay away. It might keep idiots from hanging dead snakes belly-up too.

An acorn at the window will keep lightning out.

When a bell rings, a new angel has received his wings. I actually like this one.

If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish.

If a black cat walks towards you, it brings good fortune, but if it walks away, it takes the good luck with it. Where are all these black cats coming from anyway???

It's good luck to find a four-leaf clover. On the other hand, it's bad luck to spend hours on end looking for one when your time could have been spent doing something more productive.

It's bad luck to pick up a coin if it's tails side up. Good luck comes if it's heads up.

To insure good fortune for your baby throughout life, be sure that his first gift is a silver coin. Place it yourself into the child's hand. If the child drops it, she/he will have difficulty holding onto money throughout life. (Conversely, if the child grasps it tightly; she/he will be fortunate with money.) Be sure to remove the coin from the baby's grasp and carefully save it as the baby's personal amulet. Man, I need to have a serious talk with my parents.

If you spill pepper you will have a serious argument with your best friend. Will not!

A rabbit's foot will bring luck and protect the owner from evil spirits if carried in the pocket. Didn't fare too well for the rabbit now, did it?

A rainbow in the Eastern sky, The morrow will be fine and dry. A rainbow in the West that gleams, Rain tomorrow falls in streams.

A horseshoe, hung above the doorway, will bring good luck to a home. Again, I have cats in the house and can see only bad things happening if I hang a horseshoe anywhere near them.

If you sing before seven, you will cry before eleven. Huh?

All wishes on shooting stars come true. tend to wish that the shooting star doesn't fall on me. So far, this one holds true.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place. Who sticks around long enough to see?

You can tell what kind of husband a man will make by the way he treats his mother. Seriously Sheri... I never step on the cracks.

It's bad luck to open an umbrella inside the house, especially if you put it over your head. I've never had a leak in the roof bad enough to warrant this action anyway.

If you make a wish while throwing a coin into a well or fountain, the wish will come true. If you tell someone your wish, it won't come true. Doesn't make sense... throwing money into a fountain while wishing for more money.

Two people pull apart the dried breastbone of a chicken or turkey until it cracks and breaks, each one making a wish while doing so. The person who gets the long half of the wishbone will have his/her wish come true.

To predict the sex of a baby: Suspend a wedding band held by a piece of thread over the palm of the pregnant girl. If the ring swings in an oval or circular motion the baby will be a girl. If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy. This is why I keep getting beat up by pregnant women.

Cure leprosy and the plague by swallowing a spider rolled in butter. Uh, yeah... I'll be all over this one next time I have leprosy or the plague.

Well... there you have it, and this is but a partial list. I'm sure many of you have things that you learned as a youngster that seem out of place with reality today. I'd really like to hear some of your "truisms", so please feel free to share them with us.

And what was it my dad said that got me all stirred up about this?

When the cows are laying down, the catfish ain't bitin'.

Hardly worth the wait, was it?

Until next time...